Monday, April 28, 2008

So, it looks like I'm a blogger again, huh? I'm not sure why I'm compelled to spill my guts to the internet world, but I think I just need to write every once in a while and this is a good format to do it.

Nothing real beady to say today. I haven't cleaned out my studio from seed-bead mania (more on that in a second), so there were no beads made this weekend.

Seed bead mania - While I was stockpiling beads for my mermaid kits in 2005, I realized that I had almost as many, if not way more seed bead colors than most bead stores. That led to my selling packaged seed beads by the gram on my web-site in addition to the kits I was selling. This was a big venture and I invested more money in it than I probably should have (though I made the money back).

It was VERY time consuming, however and when I took a break from beadmaking, I tried to keep up the seed bead end of things for a little while, but my heart wasn't in it, nor did I have the time, so I closed that portion of my store as well.

The point of this is that when I had stopped making beads a couple of years ago and continued to do the seed bead merchandising, the seed beads took over my studio. So, right now in my studio are BOXES of seed beads and they are all over the place, including in my glass area. In order to make beads again, I have to clear out those seed-beads and get organized. I HATE getting organized, as anyone who knows me well can attest to.

In the past I'd barter with people to come organize for me.... trading classes or beads for cleaning/organizing. Right now I don't have the means to do that since I'm not teaching and I don't have any beads to trade (other than seed beads which I have TONS of), so I'm going to have to get motivated and clean my own studio!!! UGH!!!!

At least I have motivation now... I know I can make beads again. I spent 2 years not knowing if I could or not. I didn't talk about this in my earlier posts, but I had something going 2 years ago that made my hands tremble and shake to the point that I couldn't make even the simplest of beads. It was SO frustrating because they couldn't trace the cause of it. It eventually got a bit better, but at the same time other life events took the forefront, I took a full-time "real job" and beadmaking just became something that I "used" to do.

In the back of my mind I wondered if I could return to beadmaking, if my shaking had subsided enough to try, but I was afraid. I really really didn't want to sit down at the torch and find out that I had lost the ability forever. I had people say "oh, you could make organic beads, things that don't require as much control," but I didn't want to. I wanted to make what I wanted to make... girly, detailed beads. And if I couldn't do that, it was going to be a big disappointment. And I'd had too much disappointment last year. I didn't need something bringing me down, reminding me of my weaknesses when I was fighting so hard to be strong and independant.

So I didn't even try. I hate to say it, because I'd never want my kids to have that attitude, but I didn't want to try something that I wasn't going to be totally successful at. People said "do it because you love it, not because you're perfect at it," but that wasn't working... I WANTED to be perfect or not to do it at all. Thinking of not being able to make beads was depressing, so I didn't think about it at all.

A month or so ago I decided that it was time to try. To at least see if it was a possibility. I'd spent more than 10 years of my life as a beadmaker and I didn't like the idea of just disappearing off the map because of something that wasn't my choice. But I was really afraid of failure. My hands still shake, (not nearly as much though) and I didn't know if I'd be successful or not. I had no idea if I'd be able to make a dot bead, let alone a bead with a lot of embellishment like most of my beads were. I knew I'd have to clean my studio before I tried, so I kept procrastinating.

I finally decided that I'd have to go about it different route. I'd rent studio time through the Southern Flames (local glass bead group) and since I was reserving space and paying for it, it would make me go, the same way that having a trainer at the gym makes me show up. It gives some sort of accountability, no procrastination allowed.

I called and reserved a space and found out that there wasn't torch-time that weekend, but Beads by Design, the beadstore that hosts the torch-time, generously let me use their space for the day and let me try making beads again. YAY!!!!

I tried little beads first... just dots... and I could do it with no problem!!! My dots were as straight as they ever were and even though I was shaking a little, it wasn't really an issue. I moved on and decided to go for it and make a fairy. I got my stringer colors mixed and just went for it! YAY! It worked... no problems!! So then I tried a mermaid... and again, no problems! I was on auto-pilot and was able to do all the same things I used to do.

I didn't try anything huge like one of the mermaid torsos for Splish Splash. Those took SO much time and energy and control, I didn't want to risk it when I'd had such a good day. I can't even begin to tell you (whoever you are) what a big deal it was that I could make beads again! It changed my outlook on life SO much. Not that I was moping around... I definitely haven't had a moping year. BUT I hadn't felt like an artist and this let me see that there was that possibility still out there.

SO, this is what brought me back to my blog. The hopes that I'll be beadmaking again. The accountability of saying it "out loud" with the internet universe listening. I updated my website so that there might be people that looked at this blog and said "so where are the beads??!!" at some point. I'm hoping that saying I'm GOING to make beads will make me clean up my studio and get busy!

I'll keep you posted. In the meantime, I'll just check in and talk about whatever floats my boat and keep everyone informed what coffee I'm drinking and music I'm listening to!

Stay tuned....

Beads Made - Zero
Coffee Today - Venti 3 pump Cinnamon Dolce Latte with Whip (which I really need to give up!)
Music - NOTHING! aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! I forgot my ipod, so it's way too quiet!

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