Sylviebead Journal

It's Wednesday already???? WOW!

I have been terrible about blogging lately. Mostly because I'm trying to adjust to my new schedule and I haven't got a rhythm yet...when to "computer," when to design, when to make beads, when to play with new ideas, etc. I'm working on it, but it's going to take a little while to find the right balance for things.

But there are other reasons as well. There is a lot of stuff I'm dying to talk about, but I don't know how to phrase it all in a way that is for general public consumption. I have no idea if that makes sense to anyone but me (maybe it does to a few of you). For some reason(s), I'm being self-conscious again about my blog. I feel like if I talk about designs before they actually happen, people expect them all to come to fruition. Maybe they don't.... but I was feeling sort of pressured by it.

I've always used my blog as a way of talking to my customers/friends as well as hammering out ideas for myself... but I'm not feeling as open about things right now. Add to that the number of people who are reading who are not beady at all, it makes me think "how do I explain this in a way that makes sense to non artist people?" and I find myself over-editing. (and at this point some of ya'll are saying, "wait!?? what??? she EDITS??!!! My WORD what sort of hot mess is this blog before she does that??!!!")

But I do see who logs onto the blog and recognize that some are friends and some are not, that some of you are fellow artists, some are customers and some of you, I have NO clue who you are or why you're here (but you are looking for Sandra Bullock quotes or parts for swimming pools or recipes for smoothies or blue journals from Barnes and Noble or some sort of bizarre dessert served at Kroger), but I "see" you logging on regularly from your various servers and cities, which tells me that my audience is a bit broader and consistent than it used to be.... which makes me think differently about things I say.

I thought about the Pioneer Woman's blog (which I love)... that she probably started off writing not having any clue that she'd have TONS of anonymous viewers every day... and that when she thinks about who is reading, how does she feel? Does she feel like everyone reading is a supporter of her? Or does she wonder if people are competitors trying to hone in on her ideas (I'm thinking not)? Or think about her neighbor down the road who is just too nosy and wonder if she is reading too? I wasn't sure, but for some reason I'm thinking that I'm taking things a little more personally than she does.

Then I thought about my friend Regan's blog. She's a writer who aspires to being published. I think the people who read her blog are cheering her on like I am... but wondered if there are other writers who read it and think "oooh I would do that differently" or "ooooh! that's a great idea, I'm taking it!!!" (not trying to make you paranoid Regan!!!) and thought that it might be the case for mine.... and then I got self conscious again.

It does bug me a bit... the thought that not EVERYONE who reads the blog likes me or reads with a positive view of me and my work, BUT I think my hesitation lately is primarily about the art...and feeling vulnerable about it... too vulnerable to be so open here. I'm doing a lot of transitioning artistically and it involves a lot of things that are new and different.... The perfectionist in me is not ready to say "oooh! look at what I'm doing" when I don't completely know what I'm doing. I don't want to give the nay-sayers any more amunition than they already have. Does that make any sense? Probably not.

I just found myself with a WHOLE lot I wanted to say on Monday... about artistic growth and transitions and how ideas form and flow and how it effects me personally and I decided not to post any of it at all. And then that bugged me.... that I'm not saying things that I normally would have simply because I'm unsure of the support I have from my "audience". I never felt like that before when I blogged in the past.

SO.... today I'm going to end with this. If you are reading this and on my team, I probably need some cheerleading through these transitions. It's scary to make changes. When I moved from being ONLY glass to doing bead-weaving projects, the first times out there were scary. I feel a bit the same, only on a bigger scale. I think that the things that are brewing could be BIG for me.... it's just a bit of a leap.

My ex husband used to tell me that I had a good instinct for when it was time to change artistically... that I was usually ahead of the trends and he'd remind me of the various times it had happened. I really appreciate that he said that. It gave me confidence to try new things back then... even if they didn't all come to fruition. I DO have a gift for knowing when it's time for transition.... it's just scary all the same.

So... the conclusion is.... there is no conclusion. I'm trying to figure out where my work is going... where my life is going... how to balance everything... how to know which ideas to follow up on and which to abandon or put on a back burner... and how to support a family doing what I'm good at and what I love. Scary stuff... heavy stuff.... blog-worthy stuff???

And re-reading this post I see that it falls into the category of long meandering blah blah blah from me that should probably be edited... but it's my blog and I'll be a hot mess if I want to. :)


tiny blah blah blah...

coffee today? oh yeah.... Cinnamon Dolce Latte and I could probably use a 2nd one!

music - nope. I really wish I knew where that lost ipod was. :(